☻ ABOUT . ISSUES . EVENTS ☻
𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚋𝚢 𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚢
𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚙𝚞𝚜𝚜𝚢
Not aware, unaware, pear, bear, scare, full circle, circularity, square, not normal, too normal, normie, entering the dead zone, the wet zone, just keep on pushing, push, push, pull, to the side, feel it, the other side, not so much, reverse, back to before, that feels better, build up, its enhancing, and stop. uncertainty. Unable to detect true appreciation — do I enjoy this? What do I like about this? Is it the thrill of being seen? Being stripped mentally by a stranger? Having a sex object sit across from me? Wetter. Better. Pet her. Ephemeral.
Maybe it’s having someone look into my eyes and not knowing what they see, who they see, if they see anything past their own bias. The confusion.
I hope the boric acid works. This time again. I’m tired of this. I’ll go out to see him but I won’t allow him to Uber me to his place because I’ve been drinking and I haven’t taken any boric acid since my last period and things are feeling a little out of hand down there. The acid burns a bit. Dry, very dry. Leaking powder, wet powder, wet for you, wet for powder. in the groupchat:
—fuck! I overdosed twice and I’m in the ward in Trail.
—grow up!
—i just hope I can make it to electric love. My mom abandoned me in the kootenays, fuck her. I told her it was cough syrup lol.
—she was probably so scared. And she definitely didn’t believe you, fucking idiot.
I’ll go meet him but I won’t let him touch me. Sincerely, it’s for the plot, confidence-building exercise, trying.
Now I live, and now my life is done.
at the park, on a bench:
—do you think she’s okay?
—i think she has rich parents, she said.
—i want to take her out.
—are you fucking serious? Whoa. she thought about it for a minute. Conversations with her last so… long.
She insulted him twice so now its on sight. fight, flight, right, wrong, taboo, please stop talking to me. For real. I know my bathing suit is hot, well at least I should hope so, I love Jeff Bezos. Ayn rand.
groupchat, again:
—how’s the sugar daddy date, she asked.
She’s so out of it. She’d mistake a date happening 3 days from now for one that already happened that she herself was currently on. I can’t do this, simply. Simps anonymous. Help me God, giver of life, for the sins of the everyday are overtaking me. Putting pens through eyes.
My bathing suit is nice. Maybe I’d wear it in Manhattan at the pool of a stranger, late night out, when I’ve nothing better to do, and my bikini line is freshly shaved. He’d end up giving me a cute little parcel of trauma, but it would provide me some character development. NYC character development, I’d be like Lena Dunham if she was based. She apologized for not being at her best due to personal reasons
— things going on at home, ADHD or whatever, etc.. Ballad of uselessness.
—..but we haven’t met yet, so idk, she responded.
3 minutes later
—have you met yacht guy yet.
shelby lives in montréal, qc, working across many mediums including writing, visual art and music. find her here.