☻ ABOUT . ISSUES . EVENTS ☻



𝙳𝚒𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚊 𝚁𝚊𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚟𝚊

𝚄𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚝𝚕𝚎𝚍

I’M DRIVING FAST ON THE HIGHWAY, I BROKE MY REAR-VIEW MIRROR BECAUSE I’M USING IT AS A WEAPON IN A CROSS-COUNTRY CUSTODY BATTLE. I’M COMPLAINING ABOUT THE STATE OF THE FILM INDUSTRY, I’M HONKING AT NOTHING AND ASKING IF YOU WANT SOME AIR. I DO NOT WAIT FOR A RESPONSE BEFORE I OPEN EVERY WINDOW AND MY HAIR EXTENSIONS WHIP ME IN THE FACE. I’M WRITING A SCREENPLAY, I SAY. I’M WRITING A FILM. I BOUGHT CUE CARDS AT THE DOLLAR STORE AND I’M READING THE DAVID LYNCH BOOK ABOUT MEDITATION AND FILMMAKING.

IT'S GOING TO BE THE DEFINITIVE FILM ABOUT THE INTERNET EXPERIENCE. YOU ASK, WHAT? I SAY, IT’S GOING TO BE THE DEFINITIVE FILM ABOUT THE INTERNET EXPERIENCE. YOU SAY, OH OKAY. AND I SAY, WELL IT’S BECAUSE I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS FIGURED IT OUT.

I’M THE GUY COMMENTING “YOU LOOK GORGEOUS BUT YOU’RE TOO OLD FOR THIS” ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S NEW POST WHERE SHE WEARS A REALLY SHORT SKIRT. I’M THE GUY WHO INVENTED THE TYPE OF VIDEO WHERE YOU WALK AROUND WITH A LAV MIC ASKING GIRLS OUTSIDE OF THE ESTONIAN NIGHTCLUB ABOUT KARL MARX AT 3 A.M. I’M THE GUY WHO ONLY LISTENS TO THE PODCAST FOR THE ADS ABOUT SHAVING OR FAKE THERAPY OR WHATEVER.

I’M PIVOTING TO SCREENWRITING; I’M BECOMING THE TYPE OF WOMAN WHO LIES A LOT. LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO STAR IN MY MOVIE THAT’S ABOUT BEING SAD ABOUT THE INTERNET IN A DIFFERENT WAY THAN ANYONE ELSE DOING IT RIGHT NOW.

THERE’S A HOLE IN THE MARKET, YOU SEE. I’M HONKING AGAIN AT NOTHING; I RUMMAGE AROUND WITH MY RIGHT HAND UNDER THE CENTER CONSOLE TO FIND THE REAR-VIEW MIRROR. PEOPLE SAY THEY LOVE POSTING AND SEEING POSTS. NOT LIKE ME, THOUGH – I SEE THE FRAMES UNDER MY EYELIDS WHEN I SLEEP, I CONNECT THE DOTS AND CORNER SOMEONE AT THE SOCIAL FUNCTION TO EXPLAIN WHY ONE OF MY FAVORITE INFLUENCERS’ TOP COMMENTERS ONLY HAS ONE THING IN THEIR BIO: THE SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE WEBSITE.

I PICK UP THE SPEED, YOU CLUTCH THE SIDE DOOR AND YELL AT ME TO STOP. I WHIP THE REAR-VIEW MIRROR, CRACKED AND COVERED IN DUCT TAPE, AROUND A LITTLE BIT AND LOSE MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. I REMEMBER THAT I MEANT TO SHOW YOU A VIDEO OF AN OLD LADY FALLING OVER WHILE 3OH!3 PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND AND TAKE BOTH HANDS OFF THE WHEEL TO GET MY PHONE.

I BARELY GET TO MY “SAVED” TAB BEFORE WE CRASH. I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU HOW INTERESTING IT IS THAT 3OH!3 NEVER RESURFACED IN POPULARITY IN THE POST-IRONY ERA THE WAY I THOUGHT THEY WOULD.



        Dimana Radoeva is a trilingual idiot living and writing in Montreal.